Ready, Reset, Go! (2006-2008)

Some people have recently professed that the term "Happy Holidays" comes from non-Christians being "offended" at the mention of Christmas.

But I don't think that's really how the "Holidays" got started.

I think it was something far more simple, and far more practical.

And it all begins some time ago (I'm thinking when I was a kid) in New York City.

(As an aside, to those that hear "New York City" and think all evilness comes from New York, I say to you, in a hearty New York fashion: "Fuck off, asshole!")

OK, so...

The streets of the city can be extremely crowded, but, in general, they do flow. People know where they're going and do their best to weave there way through the throngs to get there.

People move.

Anyone standing still - say a person from out of town, trying to orient themselves, becomes a rock in a stream, forcing the rest of the crowd to swirl around them. Since there's only so much room on a sidewalk, this causes a slowdown in people moving along. Enough of these disruptions and the crowds become truly jammed, and things move MUCH slower, and the end result of this is: people are late for work and get yelled at, reprimanded, or fired.

So, slowing down - or stopping abruptly - does not get received well by the locals.
Some people don't mind pointing this out, too.
Usually bluntly - why waste time on elaborate explanations when a quick "Move the fuck outta the way, bud!" works very well.

It's totally not fair, but there it is. Not being late for work simply takes precedence over the niceties of politeness.

Now, normally, these disruptions are rare.

But then would come December.

So, New York has a significantly large percentage of non-Christians and certainly the largest of the non-Christian population is Jewish.

(Now, if some of you are thinking "See! See! it's all the Jews' fault!" please take your bullshit crazy hate somewhere else. The rest of us can laugh at you for being a complete asshat and hopefully someone will notice you are homicidal and lock you up.)

Anyway, in December the sidewalk crowds would come to a crashing standstill.

Why?

Imagine this conversation:

A; Merry Christmas, Joe!
B: Oh, thanks, I'm Jewish, but thanks.
A: Oh, then, happy 'Cha-NEW-kah'.
B: Thanks, and a Merry Christmas to you.

Or, oh God, much worse:

A: Merry Christmas, Al!
B: Oh, thanks, I'm Jewish, but thanks.
A: Oh, then, happy Hanukkah
B: Hey thanks (for not mangling the word, too)! Funny story, though, this year Hanukkah is in November.
A: Really? Why's that.
B: Well, the ancient Hebrew calandar is based on phases of the moon while the modern one we all use is based on the sun, so the two calendars don't really sync up well...
A: uh... I'm late.

And, of course, if the initiator was Jewish, the reverse might often occur.

And then if a Wiccan attempts this with a Buddhist? Well, that just compounds the clarifications.

See, all people, when forced to choose what to say, have to make assumptions. If you guess wrong, hilarity ensues.

As an aside, I recall one particular confusion occurring VERY OFTEN in New York, resulting in one of the following statements:

"I'm not Jewish, I'm Italian!"
or
"I'm not Italian, I'm Jewish!"

I don't know why this particular confusion happens. I always assumed there must be some long-ago connection.

So, these December pauses would occur over and over and over and OVER again, throughout the streets of New York.

Each of these conversation was a rock in the stream of daily travel.

Thousands and thousands of rocks, ultimately becoming a dam, bringing the flow of humanity to a standstill.

Which really sucks if you need to pee.

One day, somebody wised up and said:

"Oh my god, it took so long to cross the street today I had to change my pants! What the hell?!? Why does everything go to crap here in December?"

And this person decided to problem-solve.

"You know, if I happen to know someone's Christian I often say 'ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!' And if I know someone is Jewish, I say 'Happy Hannukah'. But when I don't know... for all the others... well, I dunno what I do. And then starts the pausing and the clarifications and the stopping of moving and New Yorkers stalling like tourists.

"But when I don't know for sure... how to avoid this awkward moment? I mean if nothing else, these clarification dialogs are an awful waste of time. And there's nothing we New Yorkers get annoyed at more than wasting time.

"Hmmm... Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm... what's common about this time of year... hmmm... well, there's always "holidays". Chrstmas and Hannukah,right? Both holidays! And hey, even if you don't celebrate anything, at the minimum, there are two Federal holidays, (three, including Thanksgiving) - what you do on those days is, frankly none of my business!

Hey... Eureka!"

And "Happy Holidays!" was born. And the vast majority of the city's population knew a good shortcut when it saw one.

I don't know when this historic date of creation was, but it was sometime before my childhood, I can say that for sure.

All through childhood I recall none of the chaos that existed prior to the Great Time Saver.

No, all I remember is New Yorkers, with a hearty and swift "Happy Holidays!" moving briskly from work to home, from stores to friends' homes, from the movies to a restaurant, and most probably to a bathroom to pee.

Nowadays, a city known for always being on the move does not come to a screeching halt in December with pileups in Times Square. I mean, yeah, it's slow and crowded there. But think how much worse it was before.

Because of this, the words "Happy Holidays" have always fallen off my tongue without thinking. When I know someone is celebrating Christmas, I often remember to say, "Merry Christmas". If Hanukkah, then, "Happy Hanukkah". But if I don't know or don't think, it is always perfectly appropriate to say "Happy Holidays!"

Or so I thought.

The past few years some people want to force me to say what they want me to say. They also, I assume, want to go back in time and force Bing Crosby to change the words of a famous song because, for some reason, the words "Happy" and "Holiday" brings up some sense of wild rage.

And, OMG, don't dare say "Happy Hanukkah" when it's actually Hanukkah, because you'll apparently get beaten up. In New York, of all places.

Well - and sorry for the unseasonable speech - fuck that.

You say what you want. I'll say what I want.
You want to say "Merry Christmas" no matter what?
Go right ahead!
The worst that might happen is you'll get bogged down in a conversation on which you really weren't planning.
Just don't let your sensitive soul get "offended" by someone daring to say they don't celebrate your holiday, please. 'Tis not the season for that.

Businesses can have greetings that are specific or general, as they choose. It's their choice.
Hate the word "Holidays" so much that you'll never shop there again? Well, tell them and then don't shop there.
Or, in reverse, if you don't like specific holiday mentions? Same option.
Businesses can - and have - made business decisions regarding this matter in ways that they felt would increase their business. Sometimes they get it right, sometimes they go too far.

But on a person-to-person level? It's personal choice. There's a whole list of holiday greetings to choose from.

Frankly, the next time someone gets offended that I said "Happy Holidays" to them, I'll just say, "Oh sorry, thought you were Jewish."

My guess is that those particular people will get so mad at that comment, they'll pee.

Which will warm my heart for the Holidays.