Ready, Reset, Go! (2006-2008)

What, I've got nothing to say?

Hmmm... I think I've been writing more for work lately, which is tapping my resources, I guess.

To conserve a little money, I might stay in for the night... or maybe not. If I do stay in, I'm going off to buy God of War II and go on a virtual slaughtering spree with one of the hottest video game characters ever. Maybe for kicks I go around yelling "This... is... SPARTA!!!!" while I eviscerate poor monsters.

However, I have had a bit of fun. Socialized a bit with the local neighborhood gay group which had an event at dBar, which is still hopping, by the way.

Er... still no sex, though. Not that there weren't guys I would have gone home with in a sec... cause there were =)

You'll know when that happens, by the way, because one or both of those count-up timers (in the sidebar) will get reset to zero. I haven't decided if I want to say what those two timers specifically represent. I guess if someone asks, I'll tell.

Anyway, I know I missed Thursday for HNT. So here's a little one. Whatever I'm doing to keep the weight down seems to be holding. Maybe I could actually work on having abs one day like Kratos up there! WhooHoo! (Course, that might take a decade or so)

I seem to keep forgetting this, somehow. So I should remind myself again.

Red-eye flights are not my friend!

Event though I slept through the entire flight, even though I got in around 6am, went home, showered and changed and head into work... within 3 hours I was turning into a zombie.

Thankfully, there were things I needed to get done, which kept me awake.

But boy it was a struggle.


Anyways:

Some things I learned this weekend in San Francisco:

• Everyone has problems.
• Every can use a chat or a shoulder to lean on.
• Like synchronized periods, sometimes everyone's problems hit at the same time.
• That makes it tougher for everyone.
  

• While I have definitely gotten better this past two months, it's still a bit too easy for me to have one drink too many. (One? Did he say one?)

• I must totally encourage my new found love for basically grabbing guys I'm into and making out with them (assuming they don't reject the advance). It's so totally worth it!

• This is yet another good reason to have less liquor in the body. I know how to kiss very well, in my opinion. No need to screw it all up by being blotto.

• This is the first time in an age that I did not feel a sense of depression when returning to Boston.

• The best reason I can think of for that? I no longer feel completely hopeless here. There is a chance for me... even here.
  
• That feels damn good.
  

Thanks Dan and Donnan for being great hosts! It was great to curl up with Chad to watch the fucking amazing show, Planet Earth, and and to get to spend time with Kel again.

We'll see what the future holds.
---

Oh... this was funny. It's a promo for the kid-friendly re-edit of The 300. Frankly, though, I'm wondering if it's more aimed at people tripping on something.
(hat-tip Already Bruised)

Busy... Without going into details, I was pretty busy with a big short-term project that took place yesterday. It went really well, I think. Very worth while, and it got me more excited about the type of work I've been doing. But, I was pretty tired once the heavy part was done. (Actually, alot of others have a lot more to do than I, so I don't envy them)

Anyway, so because of that, I haven't had much time to post.

So just a short one here...

still coasting...

feeling out how I'm feeling, etc.

Gotta remember to pack today (for SF) before going out this evening (see end of last post).

I'll be flying late tomorrow night. I'm not sure if I'll be posting at all...

I should seriously consider going on this trip "unplugged". No laptop, no blogs, no nothing...

It'd be nice, though I kinda do need my laptop on-hand for possible work-emergency reasons. Would I be able to not use it unless I was required to for work? Dunno... Gotten kind of plugged in too deep.

We'll see, I guess.

Anyways... here's HNT#2 for me.

One of the few part of me that I think actually benefits in any way from me working out. If I could get my chest to respond anywhere near the same way, I'd be stoked.

I think next one should be something simpler, like a toe or an elbow.

(BTW, of course I'm flexing. I doubt I'd ever be one of those dudes who's arms look fully flexed when relaxed. Those guys are scary!)

I arrived at "the bar I always seem to go to" this weekend.

Nice to be rid of my cold.

Have a first drink of the night and hang out with some friends - one of whom knew me - as well as the ex - for a while.

Hmmm... my first thought:

Is everyone looking hotter tonight?

It wasn't the drink, folks... my drink hadn't even settled in yet.

I suddenly wonder "are these drinks even necessary?"

Maybe that's a clue…

Doesn't stop me, but suddenly I rearrange a few things right there…

One of the worst, and stupidest things I do is, if I'm with company at a bar, restaurant, or whatever, I position myself so I'm looking at… well, nothing. I seem to always face the wall. I don't see people other than my immediate company. While that's nice for those I'm hanging with, I realize I could just be watching TV at home with the amount of guy watching I'm getting.

So I shift my seat… and with that one move, while still sitting right next to my friend and his husband, I have a full view of the entire bar and all the some-hot, some-crazy, some-smoking-hot all-gay guys therein.

A change in perspective.

Like looking at a tree in the woods, then moving just a few steps to the left, and suddenly seeing a pot of Lucky Charms sitting right behind the trunk.
...


Off to the bar to buy a round for everyone.

St Patty's is in full swing (read: most people are very drunk)

An attractive Italian and his handsome blond buddy begin the flirt.

Hmnmm... am I wearing my "hot" clothes tonight? I didn't think so. I don't think I have any of those, so I dunno what gives, but I'm not complaining.

Friendly chatting while waiting for drinks.

Suddenly, another guy, wearing his St. Patty's cap and clearly have had quite a bit of Leprechaun's brew, taps me on the shoulder

"Hey… My friend wants to meet you."

And there's a young cute guy, who looks all shy but comes up close. Now, again, listen… I only had a single drink. But I behaved different anyway…

He was cute… He was in close… so I kissed him… a couple of times.

Then I picked up my drinks, gave all four guys a wink and a smile, and headed back to my friends in the corner.

A wink and a smile? I just gave some guy a deep kiss and then casually walked off, though with a friendly "I'm just over there".

Is that sass? Was I flirting?

I forgot I could even do that.
...

There was another cute guy who was very very drunk – and being mean to some of my friends (whom he had never even met before). I decided he would give me his number and then hopefully go home and sleep off the booze, cause he was getting me ticked off.

So we head to the bar for him to grab a pen and paper.

And, since he needed to sit down to write, we took a seat at a table with three other guys who were hanging together.

And while we start chit-chatting - with me trying to keep the kid focused on his writing task, one of the seated guys mentions that his friend (who's back was to me) was "really hot."

And so says the drunk kid, who is having a very hard time writing anything:

"yeah, maybe before he was born."

!!!

Did he just insult another person whom he's never even met?!? I mean, the kid can't see clearly enough to make the pen work...

And as I take a look at the attacked-for-no-reason guy for the first time, I make an unavoidable snap judgment:

"oh no… you are most definitely hot," I say smiling.

One of the others says: "he's got a great chest, too"

And, without a second thought – yes, I STILL wasn't very drunk – I reach out and tweak a nip. He jerks back a second in shock, but smiles.
"Oh geez," I laugh, "I'm sorry"

"It's ok," He smiles.

Hmmm…

And off I go, helping the drunk kid go on his way home.
...

An hour later with my friends, one of them tells me that I seem a bit looser – less restrained… maybe happier? Like I was slowly coming out of something. Which is, of course, true and they all knew the shit I'd gone through this past year.

Not doing "fabulous"… but definitely better.


And looking out the window, my friend says, "hey, someone's looking for your attention…"

Oh, it was hot-guy-that-I-tried-molesting walking by on his way to a car with his friends!

And I meant to just wave back and smile, but I swear I must have given some amazing wink-smirk with an I-wanna-fuck-you-like-an-animal look cause the guys I was with just screamed jumping up and down.

"Daaaaaaamn! I never saw you put it out there like that before! I'm so happy!"

Um… really? Wow, I need a recording of that so I can repeat it, I guess

And the guy slowed down and waited by the rear door and was looking back in at us.

And on autopilot I hiked out the back and said hi.

"Hey, I just want to reiterate that you are hot." Again, to make up for the insult he got. And cause it was true – the hotness, that is.

"Same for you. My friends are bringing the car around."

"No prob." And I grabbed his head and kissed him.

I gave him my number just as the car was pulling up.

Minutes later, he left me a voicemail with his number… and his Manhunt id! Now that's a first for me.

Later, when I had a look online, the pics only got me more interested. See, this is the way I could see using Manhunt. Meet a guy in person... THEN go look at all the hidden lusts. Same face, same bod... mmmmmmm.

Email chatted a bit. Apparently he's the second person who I remind of Dan Futterman. I'll take it.

Looks like we're gonna meet for a drink on Thursday.

Now, don't read a lot into this… there's a few complexities so I doubt this would be anything more than a drink or a one-off or… I don't know. I'm just going for a drink and to look at him =)

Though it was more like – what got into me? I was acting unafraid. Like – "hi, I like you." And if something happens, great.

That's new for me.

And while I'm sure this behavior will go in waves, as all things do, it was pretty damn refreshing.

It was all pretty damn subtle… I did something just a bit differently and things rolled out in unexpected ways.

A change in perspective.

And now... he's gone.


Well, not "gone" but moving on to bigger and better things, I imagine.

:'-(

Best moment, for me, is him talking to Ray...

As background, here's the original short and inspirational "Ray" song, which Ze latched on to and made it spread like wildfire:


And the excellent "Goose" remix:


And now (last month) at long last, Ze got his meeting with Ray himself. And I tell you, this whole piece made me happy.

Hey – wow, well I didn't know what a wide and diverse group this Half-Nekkid Thursday group is!

To be clear, HNT can be anything – it could be a dick or a butt cheek, or it could be a thumbnail or an eye. It's more common that it's purely innocent (though possibly suggestive) shots, and don't expect porn here. That's for a more private setting.

Also, some good comments were made. I tried to respond briefly in the comments section.
…

Oh, yeah, I decided to clean up and simplify my blog template. I think I found a nice one for now… though if any weird shit is happening on your end, please do tell me.
…


Well, the weather took a big ol' dump on the Northeast last night.

But now it's past.

So, now that I'm 98% feeling semi-normal again (translation: very little snot is coming out of me in copious quantities), I am sooooo ready to go out and see if I can find trouble.

Actually, I'd rather find a good lay.

Cause, like I said before, I stayed in on our beautiful Wednesday and not as great Thursday to promote my getting better. This was probably smart since I think I slept like 12 hours on Thursday night.

And through all that I keep thinking how I agree with certain bloggers (here and here) practically demanding that I get myself laid more frequently.

So, anyways, it's Saturday, and at least the roads are clear so, yeah, I'm out o' this house for the night.
...

Also, just yesterday I got a ridiculously cheap-ass fare to San Francisco (nonstop American) for next weekend. So I'm totally looking forward to that getaway!

Dan has once again offered his guest room (hugs!!) and I'm hoping I get to spend some time with any/some/all of the guys out there. Oh yeah, and it'd be nice to get laid there, too, for once =D
…

Anyway, that's all – this is just a quickie Saturday post.

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Heh... Do I wish I looked like this guy here? Yeah, who wouldn't.

Anyways.

It's the single beautiful day of the month, I think. Almost 60. (for here that's great).

I should have gone out for a night on the town.

But I'm in what feels like my last day of this cold and I'd rather feel better on the weekend than stress myself with martinis.

Bad timing, but I know I'll pay for it if I don't wait another day or so.


'Course, apparently from tomorrow on it's gonna be ice pellets and snow and 30 degrees.

Sigh... ah well!

If I am feeling good on the weekend (ie, all kinda better and healthy), I don't care - I really need to be on some kind of prowl this weekend.

In fact, I wonder if the worse the weather is, the more likely the guys who've made it out anyway are really seriously looking to get laid.

There's gotta be a plus side to it, right?
...

It's funny, though... with all the variety of moderate unwellnesses I've passed through in just the past few months, I've at least been pushing myself, when possible, to go to the gym and, slowly meet new people and a few other things like that.

Not that it's all been so great with me, but it's kind of an improvement over where I was for the past 15 years.

So that's something pretty good.
...

You know, this silly little headcold got me thinking: If I ever had a "partner" again, I don't know if it could be one of those... those... those aliens that never ever get so much as a sniffle.

My ex was like that. People dropped like flies around him in his past. But he was one of those types that, if some thing never happened to him, he was incapable of even imagining what it was like.

Sick? Pain? What is this "unwell" of which you speak?

Basically, he had the empathy abilities of a rock. At least for me.

Fuck that...

Now, I definitely don't need someone who obsesses about me - cause I'd totally be obsessing over the obsessing and I'd be scared to be honest cause he might worry too much and then he'd probably think I was hiding something awful and I'd probably sense that and feel all weird and he'd sense that and it would just be a mess.

But... I sure as fuck also don't need someone who, when driving me to the ER with a 103.5 degree fever, will drop me off 2 blocks away cause it's a pain to drive up to the entrance.

LOL!

I kid you not! I was so completely disoriented (you know, feverish) that I couldn't even say, WTF are you talking about you drive me right up to the entrance and get me in a room RIGHT NOW!

And then a car almost hit me as I stumbled to the ER.

Yeah... so
(1) I will sure as fuck never let that shit go down again in my life.
And
(2) I will sure as fuck think twice before becoming part of someone's life that has no clue what it means to be less than perfect.
...

And that leads me to the admission of something that is blatantly obvious to all including myself.

I'm less than perfect. A lot less.

Sometimes, I'm a fucking mess.

And I keep fighting off that gnawing feeling that, in this gay world, to be "less than perfect" is laughable and to have real problems is simply unacceptable.

So I end up being mad at myself.

I mean, jebus!, even these past few months I've had good moments.

And, actually, I think when I'm good, I'm really really good.

But I can't be there all the time.

I can't be the perfect gay man with no flaws, no insecurities, no irrationalities, no health problems, no hang-ups... a perfect dude who is nothing but hotness, hot sex, and an indomitable personality.

I can have bits of that stuff. But it's glued together with flaws. Or maybe the flaws are bonded by the good stuff. I don't know, but they're both there.

That's me.

I don't want to be ashamed of it.

Like if I was under the weather, I don't want to be ashamed like I was with my ex, like I was somehow a loser and couldn't talk about it cause he wouldn't understand anyway. Or if I was seriously and demonstrably ill, I don't want to have to use every ounce of strength to make it crystal clear that maybe I need some help.

I'm a guy with a boatload of problems but a shipload of great qualities.

I need to know there are people that accept that.

And that, one day, there'll be a guy that I am totally into - totally love - who will get that, too.

I'm a person.

I'm me.

And I'm worth being loved, whether anyone believes it or not.

Problems and all.


And yeah, I'm not that guy in the mirror up there at the top.

But I'm not nothing, I sure as fuck know that.

That's gotta count for something, huh?

I think so!

Hey look! My first HNT!

Happy HNT!

Is it wild to think that with every frivolous word I write, I am part of a creation?

Of course, you are too.

(Thoughts brought to you by headcold+nyquil)

Now watch this... It's a great quick overview.




Oh heck, and while I'm waxing intro-extro-spective, who has not seen this?
If you haven't, just enjoy.

It makes me happy for reasons I can't quite place.


(From Where The Hell Is Matt?)

Well, I almost didn't go out on Saturday night. I mean I felt something coming on during the day (like a head cold) and then I fell asleep in the evening.

When I awoke it was almost midnight, but I seemed to feel better.

Well, closing time's at 2am so... If I rushed, showered, and cabbed it, I'd get somewhere by 1am.

What's the point? I dunno. As some people have been telling me, I need to get laid more often.

So I showered, dressed, and cabbed it to a bar by 1am, and by closing was off to get laid.

Funny… I seem to find a variety of types attractive, depending on my mood and what I want.

Anyway, once again, it was about 99% "all about me".

Again, I’m not berating myself for being sexually selfish these days. I’m just observing. I’m wondering who’s gonna be the guy where I feel like it’s all about “us”. I don’t mean love. I just mean sex where I want him to enjoy every touch as much as I enjoy being touched.

Eh… it’ll happen.

Anyway, this probably is good exercise. You know, every time it works for me, I feel a little more confident that I could approach some guy and maybe have a chance to score.
...

But boy, I guess I was wrong about the head cold thing. I really did feel fine Saturday night (didn't take pills or anything, either) but Sunday was icky.

I totally got it from one of the roomies (the very handsome but unfortunately straight one) who just got over it. I had an evil urge to give him a dirty look last night, but instead I just made him cough up a bunch of his cold pills.

Um… of course, then I thought, oh man I must have given this cold to last night’s hookup. On the other hand, he probably would have caught it just talking to me (as I did from my roomie) – it’s not a fucking std.

Thankfully, it feels (for now) like it’s working through much quicker than my normal head colds, which is great (knocks on wood)! I’m using some of those funky zinc nose swabs – I have no idea if they really help, but I like throwing the kitchen sink at colds ‘cause I like feeling healthy. I mean it's so rare there's a day when everything about me is in tip-top shape, so I just try pounding away at any cold, etc, that comes by to annoy me.
…

Oh yeah, with Darin’s encouragement, I’ve set up some CafePress (T shirts, etc) pages with a few designs I had played with recently. They’re in the sidebar.

To lighten the mood, just cause I want to... Here's one of the episodes of Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends that I love the most.

Perhaps the endearing quirkiness, and how much I love it, is a clue to the way my brain works. Or maybe I'm just weird.

I think it's also an episode that clearly highlights every character's qualities perfectly. (Including Cheese and Goo)

Hopefully this will provide a nice breath of fresh air while I work on getting laid.

Ok, I thought I was done with this, but I need to clear the air at least a little. I started writing this as a comment, but it got too big...
...

Ok, wait, I do NOT want to be painted as reveling in this guy being expelled from the military. Nor have I made any mention about the issue that started this in the first place.

If anyone wants to think I'm mindlessly following other's leads, I can't help that, but I think it's wrong. I don't know if much of what I've done in my blogging is anything other than me expressing *my* opinions. Clearly, though, this one touches on far more than what I'd normally write about here.

There are three issues I can see that come into play in this whole thing.

1. Iraq War (which I'm not addressing here),
2. Gays entrenching themselves in a self-professed anti-gay group (which I thought was my focus - plus see this Andrew Sullivan commentary on what it meant to be a gay man at the conference in question), and
3. Gays in the military.

Now, I have always had questions about the outings that have happened in the past. It always gave me the skeevies even when it proved very useful to know the truth.

Here is the difference, and I might be wrong. Outing (to me) means digging around, finding friends, lovers, etc, who will spill the beans, photos of you at a gay bar, etc.

But here, he was in porn - and not cheap low-end porn. He was in videos, with some major directors, even I'd heard of (and, while I like it, I'm hardly a porn-maven). I would say thousands upon thousands of guys have seen him before.

If I joined some place where being gay would get me fired, and then got national public notice, I would be foolish to expect that this blog would not get dredged up. Yeah, it's not remotely popular like porn, but -though my name is not on this site- it's too public. I *fully expect* people would figure it out.

If he had been in the same position, with his face becoming public, but for a cause on the other side, there is no doubt the end would have been the same: someone who wanted to hurt his cause or discredit him would have known who he was and spilled the beans.

I do not believe that (no matter who's politics was in play) that there wouldn't have been someone who was ready to use this against him. His sexual activity (in relative terms) was way too public.

I think that end (getting booted/fired) is wrong. IMO, He should NOT lose his position in the military.

My DADT comment, which came off as way too hard-hearted, was meant to mean:

He should not be booted out of the military. Here's yet another clearly dedicated and capable man who's on the line because of this policy. It's wrong. The DADT discussion is on the table in Congress. So here's another good reason to axe to law.

I feel kinda weird, maybe annoyed, that I have to prove I'm not a total ass and that I will not enjoy it if he suffers in the military.

But, how about this - and this question goes out to everyone:

When... or if? I mean he had gay sex but he may not be, you know, "gay" but just had gay sex... How the heck do they deal with that one? ... ok... If he is expelled from the military, I want to post about it and make sure I express my extreme displeasure. Maybe I'll couch it with other great people who've been tossed, but the focus will be him.

If I don't catch it in the news, I want someone to tell me if it happens.

I'm serious. It's a damned important issue.

But please do not paint me with a broad brush. That tactic, which is so easy for all of us to do, riles me up big time.

I try hard to not do that to others.

I'm not always successful, I know. (For instance, I imagine not everyone at that conference wants me to be dead or to disappear, but I basically implied that.)

I've laid out my thinking - here, and in the latter sections of the last post - in a reasonably logical way and hope people can see where I was coming from.

OK - can I be done with this topic now?

I really really really want to talk about ME again. :)

Ok - way to busy.... but for now...

Joe. My. God. YOU ROCK!

And I never visited Tom Bacchus (totally not safe for work - NSFW) before, but he's the guy that apparently put two and two together (NSFW)...

On the heels of Ann "Faggot" Coulter and in the bulky shadow of Jeff "pay-to-play" Gannon Guckert is a guy who was happily embraced by an entire conference that would have - if they had know who he actually was - torn his body apart and danced over his remains.

So, allegedly, a Marine reservist that was recently paraded around the very same far-right conference that cheered Coulter's hatred of "faggots", turns out to have had a significant career in gay porn (significant by gay porn standards, natch) and was also a male escort.

Man, I didn't realize how much arch-conservatives loved gay sex!

I mean they gave him a fucking award at this conference for him having gay sex (or something... I'm not really up on how these political conferences work)

Oh yeah, he's also now best buds with Hannity and O'Reilly, appearing on their shows recently.

Fucking Faggot-lovers, the whole Fox-lot of them.


Now, look - in case anyone brings this up:
We can argue about outing until the cows come home.
But, if you're in gay porn, you're ass is already out.














Funny he wasn't stoned to death at the conference after making this comment:

Q. Is there a sexual fantasy you have that you still want to fulfill and could share with us?
A. Hmmm. That's a good question. I have to admit I have pretty much done it all sexually and I feel sexually mature. That doesn't mean I am blase it just means that I want to improve on what I already have.

Oh, right, that's 'cause that was from a Kirsten Bjorn interview.

And - WTF?!? Andy Towle went out with him in the 90's???

We truly live in a bizzare world.
-

Clarification:

First - I should probably make it clear, yes, I realize these folks (Fox, the conservative conference, etc) didn't know about this person's past. I forget my tone here is usually more personal and serious, so the sarcasm (esp. quickly written) may not be obvious.

Second - I personally separate this issue from the other debate which, in fact, stimulated it (namely, the Iraq war). That is a topic for a whole separate conversation.

As we all know, you can be gay and have what ever the heck opinion you want about anything. People will agree or disagree and discuss.

It's just that from a gay perspective, it's jarring - almost physically jarring - that a political persuasion embracing a violently anti-gay stance can mesh (without comment) with a seemingly large group of gay men and women to further their other views. This has been emerging as a continuous theme for the past few years.

I mean, really, they don't just disagree with gays - they want them to not exist. That distinction is too much to ignore.

Third - this is all based on the premise that the person in question is actually confirming the truth of all this (as seemed to be the case at JMG). Should this all be a really elaborate mix up, then, of course, never mind.
---


OK, final word, since I'm almost sorry I even delved into this. It really was just a throw off post, but I feel like I stepped into dangerous territory for the unprepared.

I guess, from his responses to Joe's questions it's now pretty clear the claims are true. He dances around the gay issue, though, which is nothing new in the world.

From the brief responses given, he doesn't appear very fond of gay people - or maybe it's just the gay community, or maybe it's just "flaming liberals", hard to tell. I suppose from that mindset it's all the same thing.

(Yeah, I know I've railed against the shallow side of the "gay community", myself, though that was obviously from a more personal, very hurt perspective. I also know that, with some exceptions, I like and respect, as normal decent people, most gay men I've met.)

Anyway, Toby left a brief comment on in the recent JMG post, the first part typically blunt Toby, and the second part:

Move on.

I laughed and I agree... and this blog is about me, after all.

Done.

Went to NYC to be with my family for my brother's 40th birthday.

Pretty quick trip - in late Friday, out mid-Sunday.

Birthday party was fun and low-key.

Hung out with Rey, Daryl, Gitsie and STEVE! both nights which is always fun.

But there's something... something I forgot to do...

hmmm...

Oh, right:

FUCK!

I forgot to fuck! How the heck did I do that?


Some of it had to do with the kind of clubs we went to. No, I'm not blaming the clubs. Some just don't work as well with me.

I mean they were fine, don't get me wrong. But, they trended more toward the types of clubs that have "atmosphere" with "lighting" and "good" "music". See, I am realizing I definitely fare better (on a social level) in bars which are "sleazy" with "guys" getting their "dicks" "sucked".

OK ok, that's too extreme. Basically, what I fare better with is bars where people talk and - potentially - hook up. Seems like in those places I - often, but not always - drink less and talk more.


Interestingly, on Friday night, we started off at a place like that. It was a bar where one of Rey's band's was playing. I arrived in town after the set. There was still an open bar and the place was pretty crowded, while still roomy enough to allow socialization. What's not to like?

Well... there's one thing that overrides a decent bar set-up for me: no other gay guys.

Hmmm... is it possible I am a heterophobe? Or just a "het hangouts make my dick-limp" type of thing.

See, normally, that's not a problem. I don't require gayness. But my mind has been swirling around the need to get some (sex), and bad, and it's sort of like it's affecting my brain.

The place (which wasn't gay anyway) was filled with women and straight guys (not counting us). In the back of my head I was thinking my mind was set on being with gay guys and, for that reason, these people were nearly invisible to me.

It was like

"Is there any chance of you having sex with me? No? Well, why am I talking to you?"

It's weird that I'd never noticed I work like that (at least at times). Can't say I was proud to have been that way, but there it is.

Don't get me wrong, it was totally fun. But I see where my priorities lay.

EXCEPTION: Gitsie is not included in that last section. First off, she's a blast. Second, while she's very pretty, I think she could probably kick some ass at the NY Eagle. I'm serious! She could certainly drink all them bears under the table, I kid you not.


But in the end, I treated this as a time to hang out with some friends - though, in a gay setting. I wasn't on the prowl and I wasn't in "loner" mode.

I was just having a good time with good friends.

And also, while I've been trying to find the way to "less drinks more fucks", my drink-to-orgasm ratio was approximately XX:zero.

But, while I did some amusing things, I'm sure, there were others as well.

Take this lovely picture snapped by Daryl, for example. The idea was to get a moody red-light effect, which required the flash to be shut off. So ya gotta stand still to get a clear picture. He kept taking the picture saying "no no you keep moving and it gets blurry". I had had one drink, they'd been at it for a while. I said "Heh... I don't think I'm the one who's swaying in the breeze."

See? :P

So, it's funny how after a year or so of seeing some pounds creep up on me (let's peg that up to post-dumping depression, shall we?), that when I recently notice the weight steadily dropping, my initial reaction is concern.

Though only for a moment - and this time it's not my fault.

See, I dropped like 8 pounds in about two months. That's nearly all the weight I put on this past year of being down on myself. (At least that's what the scale says.)

I have no idea if anyone else notices, but I sure do. I am hopefully not done yet... I mean, it sure makes me feel more fuckable - or cut a better figure fucking.

Now, I didn't do anything insane or intense. I had made a conscious decision a few months back to consistently pay attention the the fat content of food and decide accordingly. But even that wasn't all the time - just a lot of the time.

I've been getting to the gym a bit more than in a long while and, unlike in the past, I actually do some cardio each time instead of just weights. And I think that's it.

Maybe that's been enough to do this reverse course.

So why be concerned? Goddamn doctors putting ideas in people's heads, that's why.

The one consistent question they would always ask me, as we were trying to tackle my health problem, was,

"are you losing weight?"

And not the "Heeeeey! Are you losing weight? You're looking good!" type of thing.

It was simply a doctor question. Back a few months ago, the answer was

"Sadly, no."

And then we move on. Since early January, on the other hand, the answer has been

"Well, yeah. Though I've kinda been trying to."

And their immediate reaction is

"Is your appetite down?
"No, not at all"
"Are you feverish?"
"I would have told you"
"Intense pains anywhere"
"No."
"Nauseous?"
"No, except now I am cause I'm getting nervous, thank you very much."

I explain that I have altered my food choices a bit and am going to the gym more and the drop has been over the period of two months. They seem skeptical, but finally accept that it's possible a person can lose weight for a reason other than a horrible illness.

But, of course, now in the back of my head is that little self-doubting inner-fucker going

"You know, it's not like you went on a super-diet diet. Maybe this good thing (weight loss and feeling hotter) is a bad thing in disguise. OMG! Are you-sa gonna die???"

Thanks, docs!

Anyway, I've bound and gagged the inner-fucker and am just enjoying my small victories for the time-being.