Ready, Reset, Go! (2006-2008)

Hey I realize *I* never mentioned where I was going to end up after my work trip at the end of August.

Well, the factors deciding my choice were (1) a place I want to go, or go back to, but haven't for a long time, and (2) a place where someone graciously offered to put my poor-ass up for the Labor day weekend.

Well, Brettcajun tossed out the offer to join him and his BF in New Orleans over Labor Day weekend - which just happens to be a little something called Southern Decadence. And I had to bite at that one!

There WILL be the chance for some hot Southern sex, right?!?

Oh god, I'm going to need a vacation after this, I'll wager.

(Speaking of which, don't they also have a casino there?)

I am very grateful for the offer he made. I hope I behave as a reasonably good guest. I do always TRY to do so, though I figure sometimes I don't quite cut it.

Fortunately, we're talking three nights.

And that's good - cause isn't there a saying like "fish and guests both start to stink after 3 nights"?

So at least I won't need the extra-strength deodorant.
---

Anyways...

I am learning, when looking up the weather forecasts, to dig deeper. All I read when looking at the weekend weather last Friday was that it would rain all weekend. So, while I had played with hopping back into Provincetown, I figured I'd skip it and go down another time when the weather is a little more clear.

Turns out - as I could see clearly on Saturday morning - the rain was hitting western Massachusetts and not touching our area at all.

So at the last minute – and I mean the VERY last minute – I make arrangements to crash at Phoenix's place (thanks so much for that!), book my ticket on the fast ferry, shove random clothes in my bags, and head off bat-out-o-hell to the ferry terminal.

Thankfully the fast ferry has A/C (it was absurdly humid in the region all of a sudden) and a full bar. So I relaxed on the 1.5 hour trip to Ptown.

I got off the ferry and within 20 seconds, due to the very high humidity even on the coast, I was starting to pour sweat profusely. So I was feeling sweaty and grungy and my contact lens was threatening to pop out of my face cause it was drying out.

And then I saw the crowd. Baby carriages and kids as far as the eye could see.

Ah, yes. "Family Week" Oh god.

Since I grew up in Manhattan, it is always second nature to me, in the face of crowds of people I want to get through, to gird my loins and weave through the people. I take pride in the fact that I rarely, if ever, bump into people, or push them aside, or cut in front of them unless they are walking at a much slower pace. The goal is to get where you're going while you don't - in any real way - get in anyone's way or cause anyone else any inconvenience.

It's more like I gage what speed and trajectory any given person is traveling and judge if I can pull in front of them or should weave to the side at the nearest hole in the crowd. I think I'm very good at this – even laden with luggage.

Anyway, as I'm slaloming my way to the house, I ducked in to the local pharmacy to pick up some water and eye drops. I figured it'd be a quick stop… but sweaty me and my bag had to weave through a crowd of families scattered haphazardly all over the store, not to mention at least TWO little Rascal electric mobility chairs, while I was very very quickly becoming temporarily blinded with my contacts slipping on and off my eyeballs.

Though I was becoming irritated at the obstacle course I was having to traverse, I still made as best a bee-line as I could to pick up what I needed and then patiently waited on line to pay.

So here's were I have a brush with "fame"... and fantasy material. Standing close to the register, off to the side, was a guy who, through the briefest of glances out of the corner of my eye, I could make out as being nicely muscular, well tanned and attractive. As a bonus, he was mature (early 40s maybe?) and very very well kept. The way I like em. I didn't register exactly what he looked like, but then there's tons of guys which fit that description in Ptown, so it's not like I really cared that much.

And then I paid for my stuff.

And the cashier was slowly getting my change and then bagging everything.

And then the guy talked to the cashier to ask about them being open the next day.

And I think my eyes went wide.

That voice.

I did a classic one-two double take.

I was standing next to Jeff Stryker. (If for some bizzare reason, that name means nothing to you... well, here's the Wikipedia article to get you started.)

No, I wasn't fantasizing. First, his accent/voice is unmistakable… add the face, when I actually did look at his face as discretely as I could. And finally, of course, the fact that he is indeed in Ptown doing a show., made it obvious that this was the real deal.

I was fucking standing next to the guy that was responsible for me blowing more loads than any other guy - other than my ex, of course (I mean, it WAS 10 years).

Now this is where the bwa-bwa-chic-ka-BWA-bwa music should have started and we would be magically segwayed to his room or an alley or something with me splayed out and him with his patented "open up your hole and let my big cock IN!" and, of course, "yeah, tighten that ass!".

I don't feel like writing the dialog for the scene... any suggestions?

OK, anyway, of course there was no chance in hell of THAT happening.

(Though, yes, if anyone's curious – even outside the realm of fantasy – I would have been just fine handling him.)

On top of being realistic, I was feeling a combination of grungy and ugly and icky, - and also, I had bit of respect for someone who's just trying to do some business at the store and probably wants to be left alone. And so the scene actually ended with me not saying a goddam thing to him.

I should have at least told him about having made me cum more than all but one person on earth.

Oh well.

By the way… from the brief couple of minutes I was standing there, he seemed to be an extremely polite man – not even remotely an ass, which you might expect from any "famous" person – especially one that many many men and women would gladly drop to their knees (or hands and knees) for. Others have mentioned the same, actually.

Maybe I really should have just said "hi".

Again… oh well.

---

Anyways, I went off to have a nice evening and Sunday in the town. Phoenix was a great host and we a had nice dinner and drinks and drinks and there was alcohol too. I also got to meet up with more folks from my neighborhood's gay group, including – all too briefly, Bob and Jess.

I hope to head back to Ptown at least one more time before the summer is through.

It really is a great place.

In fact, there's a number of bloggers I've already met that I would love to share the Ptown experience with (except Jeff Stryker… he's for me and me alone).

Wow, Pixar really never fails to do good stuff. I think the only movie I never saw from them was Cars. Everything else I either saw in theater or on DVD. Never saw this one before. Short and sweet and NO TALKING - classic Pixar short film style. Love it!

I seem to be caught in some loop where I start to write something - anything - and then get get weighted down with details and then I just look at it and go, "Meh!"

I think I need to refresh the background here. That usually gives me a little bump to start writing off in a different direction.

I'll get to work on that in the near future.

Anyways, GayProf and I had a final dinner and drinks before his imminent departure from Boston to his new gig in the midwest. It was sad to know he's leaving and, as I've said before, I wish I'd been able to make more time to do stuff with him. But real life is often tedious and time-consuming, often making my number of days to socialize very few indeed. It's not a great excuse, but it's all I got.

I know he's not completely happy to be leaving, but he's also going to be starting a new phase of his life. And he's doing it in an area that, while not being a major metropolitan area, is supposed to be a beautiful campus and a (relative to his previous digs) a somewhat more progressive atmosphere.

I wish him the best - though, of course, we can all follow him on his new adventure as it unfolds.


OK, so now I gotta not only refresh the background but refresh the brain for a bit to see if I can get any freshness into my loggy bloggy style.

UPDATE:

Honestly... I had no idea. The last minute actually got me teary-eyed.

The funny thing is that, for the 10 years I was together with John, I got used to going on impulsive trips (kinda running away for a few days)... but very often alone - completely - no friends... no one to talk to... nothing.

There were some exceptions over those 10 years. One or two with John and quite a few trips with one of the few gay friends I had in Boston.

But alot of the rest... well I still needed to "get away" every so often. And I found myself with no one to get away with. So I learned to just travel alone.

I traveled alone alot. NYC, Montreal, DC, Providence... I spent alot of time in my head. I had what ever fun I could have being by myself. Which is pretty limited, but I made do.

So the reason it's all funny is that, I mostly traveled alone while I was in a relationship which should have provided me with my preferred traveling companion. But then at the time I was cast out from my relationship with John, I had just started meeting other people (mostly gay) that liked me for me. And all through 2006, I think I traveled quite a bit, but this time always WITH people wherever I ended up.

So this weekend was interesting... See, I had a crummy end of week (money and work issues) and I decided at the last minute to head to Provincetown for Saturday night. I just wanted to get away and it was going to be sunny, etc...

So here I was on Saturday and I spent about 90% of it alone. I lounged at Crown and Anchor pool, sunning and having a couple of margaritas, poking around town, hanging at the Alibi, etc. And I felt very awkward. I checked out T dance at the Boatslip, and though packed and fun, it's kind of a bad place at which to be alone. At least for me.

And I realized... I've forgotten how to travel alone. I was kind of quickly bored and a little lonely. And then suddenly very very very insecure and self-critical. Ick.

I think I've been spoiled by a year and a half of new friends and companionship. And being on a trip all by myself is now almost a shock to my system.

I don't know if that's a bad thing or not.


Fortunately, a few friends from Boston, Phoenix (who's part of the JP Men's Group) and some of his friends, were coming down that evening. So once I was hanging out with them, I felt... back to normal. Relaxed, to be honest.

So, after a nice dinner, we did some of the night activities, Wave bar and the Vault, then people were migrating to the A-house, but I (wisely) decided to call it a night.

The next day way much better, as I joined the same guys to go to the beach.

Now, the last time I went to the P-town beach, I was alone in Ptown. And all I remember was walking... walking walking walking walking... and then I thought I was at the beach - oh wait, no I wasn't - now I had to walk and walk and walk to the "entrance". THEN, I had to walk and walk, over the endless ROCKS on this beach, past the "girls-only" area, then walk and walk (more rocks) past the "family" area, until finally - at long last, reaching the "gay" area. (I may have gotten the "girls" and "family" areas reversed)

My feet had blisters. I got sand all over me, blah, blah, blah... and I remembered I am not, as a first preference, a beach person. Oh god, and then the walk back.

So since then, it was all about the two pool bars in town (Crown-and-Anchor and the Boatslip). A quick, rock-free walk, no-sand, lots of eye candy, and, most importantly, a bar that can make frozen margaritas. I mean, why in the world anyone do anything else?

OK, but these guys are beach guys, so it was off to the beach. Long story short - they revealed the short cut, relatively rock-free, that gets us right into the gay area, though I was clearly beginning to grumble until we got settled. But once cozied into out towels, all was well - for me, part of the reason for that was that I was with good people and we had fun talking and laughing. No margaritas, sadly, but I survived.

And then I ended my stay by going with the guys to Boatslip T-dance (now fun because I was with people), where we were joined (sadly only briefly) by Bob and Jess.

And then I was off on the 8:30 fast ferry back to Boston and I was at home by 10:30.

So I had alot of fun, and I hope to come back very soon (if I can scrounge the greenbacks). But I really need to work on my "alone" skills again. While I'd love to have a constant source of traveling companions, I know I will still often find myself "on my own".

I need to learn that that doesn't have to mean I am "alone" or even "lonely". Because I know I still have friends... they just aren't with me at the moment.

A shot of me deep in an endless loop while getting ready for work.

(Yeah, that's it for half-nekkid Thursday. Soon I'll regress back to just showing my eye.)

No I'm not obsessively washing my hands.

Let me explain...

If you don't know how my brain works already, I'm going to let you in to the circular firing squad that I deal with so often.

Remember I was talking about being in Chicago at the end of August and I mentioned thinking whether or not I should extend my stay there into either the weekend before or after I'm there? (The after weekend being Labor day weekend.)

Well, when trying to decide where I should go or what I should do, I get completely frozen into inaction.

Here's what happens next with me:

First, I...

Ok, no wait... I think this is best represented in a crude psuedo-programming language.
(Don't judge me on it's validity... I haven't done "real" programming - not counting HTML, etc - since my Pascal days.)
.....


Program (%decide_extending_trip)

!Subroutines

Chicago subroutine "#Chi_sub"

1. So which weekend would be better to stay in Chicago?
2. Well, wait, maybe I'll be over-saturated with Chicago just in my time being there for work.
3. And, oooooo the hotels there are pretty hefty priced (not NYC, but close)
4. (NOTE: Anyone know any decent lower-priced hotels there?)
5. Maybe I should just enjoy Chicago while I'm there for business and go somewhere else for Labor day weekend.

end #chi_sub;

Provincetown subroutine "#ptown_sub"

1. Like, I want some quality time lying by a pool in the sun drinking margaritas with other gay guys... I should totally come back from Chicago and then go to Provincetown on the weekend!
• (Note: Using one of the two 1.5hour fast ferries from Boston to the center of Ptown makes getting there from here a snap)
2. Of course, I don't want to commit to that unless I know the weather isn't going to suck.
3. Which means I won't commit until like 2 days before.
4. At which time I will certainly not be able to get a room (though I have been lucky once or twice before with last-minute accommodation).
5. So maybe that's not such a good option.

end #ptown_sub;

New York/New Jersey subroutine "#ny_sub"

1. What about New York.... I could fly from Chicago to NY and spend the weekend in the city. I could hang with the guys I know here and also spend some time with my family.
2. There's the hotel issue again - I feel weird, and kinda like a jerk, taking advantage of Rey's hospitality so often. However, I've found a couple of OK lowish-priced hotels.
3. On the other hand, I am often totally wiped out after a NY/NJ stay... I'll need a vacation after that LOL.
4. Hmmm... maybe something more purely relaxing (but with access to gays and sunlight)

end #ny_sub;

Stay in Boston subroutine "#bos_sub"

1. Maybe, then, I should just come home from Chicago and stay in Boston and enjoy the 3-day weekend.
2. Of course, if I'm in Boston and the weather's nice, I should really get to Provincetown.

end #bos_sub;

Other Places? subroutine "#other_sub"

1. How about somewhere else?
   
2. San Francisco?
• Decent hotel rates. But long-ass travel. Is weather good?
  
3. Phoenix?
• Long-ass Travel. Extremely hot right now.
4. Vegas?
• I dunno, I'm kinda burnt out on Vegas.
• Though ya never know, I might win a fortune!!
• or lose a fortune.
  
5. Florida?
• Too Hot?
  
6. Other
• Other reason to not go.

end #other_sub;

Revert to Chicago subroutine "#chi2_sub"

1. Oh for crap's sake, you're gonna BE in Chicago... just take advantage of that and stay the fucking weekend!

end #chi2_sub;

end !subroutines
---

{Main Brain Routine "Trip Plans": Here's where I go through all the sub-routines that I wrote out above}

!Main

........{Part that's always the same, no need for my input}

#chi_sub;
$decision = "none";
#ptown_sub;
$decision = "none";
#ny_sub;
$decision = "none";
#bos_sub;
$decision = "none";
#ptown_sub;
$decision = "none";
#else_sub;
$decision = "none";
#chi2_sub;
$decision = "none";
#chi_sub;
$decision = "none";

........{end part that's always the same}

........{semi-random loop. I could potentially come to a decision here. Potentially.}

REPEAT [
if $current_weather_outside="crappy", then goto (#ptown_sub),
else goto (#random(chi_sub, ptown_sub, ny_sub, bos_sub, else_sub, chi2_sub));

Prompt_for_response ($decision("go here", "forget here", "none");]

UNTIL [
$decision = not ("none");]

........{end semi-random loop}

{Action, once my decision is something other than "none"}

$Action= Run_Program (%make_travel_arrangements);

end !Main
----

Run %decide_extending_trip (show.output ("My Decision is: "$decision))

My Decision is: none
My Decision is: none
My Decision is: none
My Decision is: none
My Decision is: none
My Decision is: none
My Decision is: none
My Decision is: none
My Decision is: none
My Decision is: none
My Decision is: none
....
et cetera

sigh...

I need external input to help me get out of this endless loop.

Posted without comment.



Well, no comment except that, once again, that I would happily have Jon Stewart's babies. OK, that's going too far (I'm trying to keep the weight down). But I still love him!

Went to Asbury Park, NJ with Rey and Deb to celebrate Daryl's birthday. Ooof. Fun, but oooof.

Things

• Sometimes I feel like any guy would be very lucky to have me. My passion is only restrained by my sense of "ok, that's enough for now", "I'm not that into him" or "maybe he's not into me".

• I may, in fact, have the ability - if not the built-in nature - to be poly-amorous. (Basically, when I'm "on", I'm very on, and I can share my on-ness with many guys I may be into at that moment.

• No, I wouldn't plan on that as permanent behavior: (1) I'm not a dick. (2) I'm not "on" like that very often. (3) when I am "committed", even if both of us played on the side, my ultimate loyalty is to the guy I'm partnered with. Sadly, it only works if both partners understand this.

• I wonder - if I was ever in a relationship again - if I would have a discussion about... how does one say this... negotiated three-ways, multi-ways, etc. I'm very serious that my ex and I should have talked about that. He never knew I would have totally loved that with him.

• I'm not saying anything like that happened this weekend. Just where my mind is wandering this morning.

• Though something like that happened a few weeks ago.

• Being the meat in that sandwich, I thought "boy am I a lucky guy right now!"

• I now fully accept that I'm a biter. That's bite-er, not bitter. I don't mean I draw blood (man, are there people who do?). I mean I leave marks on guys. It's a sign of being into you.

• People who think I'm a "top" or a "bottom" are wrong. I mean they're partly right, too. But the way they're thinking about it is all wrong.

• Apparently I looked like a complete fool this weekend, but no one told me till it was too late. Among other things, there was something to do with having an 80s bathing suit. I mean I bought it in Provincetown just a few years ago, so I figured it couldn't be that embarassing.
  

• No matter what anyone who knows me may believe - or thinks they do because they read this blog - I am NOT, by any stretch of the imagination, the drunkiest drunk in Drunksville. I mean if this month (in Boston, San Francisco, or NY) proves anything - if y'all had been with me, of course - it's that I'm one of the best types of drunks to be around. At the worst, I act all silly and stoooopid googly-eyed drunk, and then give everyone a break by simply closing my eyes - end of story. Usually. No muss, no fuss. OK, once in a blue moon I might have to be propped up and helped into a car/cab. Occasionally my emotions take over. But that's about the worst. Plus, I am known to be very prone to kissing guys right and left even after just a few drinks, so... I'd say that's a bonus.

• If I could just eliminate my various debts (student loans & credit) I would have so much spare cash per month I could go anywhere every month for a vacation.

• I need to go on more vacations a month to nice warm places with sun.

• OK, this wasn't really a vacation - it was a... festival? Ok, a drunk-fest. Again... not the drunkiest drunk, by a long shot.

• I finally got to finish something that got started last year.

• I wish some people didn't live out in the boonies of New Jersey. Rey is at least accessible from the city. Without a car, the rest of Jersey is a big black box.

• It was nice waking up wrapped up with someone I was very into.
  

• I miss waking up in the morning wrapped up with my ex.

• I missing him more and am forgetting my anger.

• Does anyone want to go sunning for a day in Provincetown? I need to be outside with friends, the sun, a pool, and margaritas.

• I should sleep well tonight.

I imagine this is a clip from last year.

But I just came across it, myself.

WOW.

And both James Spader (in this clip) and William Shatner are on this show?!?



(hat-tip Daily Dose of Queer)

The few movie roles Spader has been in have always creeped me out (Secretary, anyone?). But this looks like a role to accentuate his eccentricities for good effect. Can't imagine what Shatner's character is like.

I WILL watch it from now on.


Anyways... I'm off to NY (or more NJ) for some fun in the (hopeful!!) sun. Well, at this point it's some fun in the partly-cloudy. Whatever, there'll be drinks and friends and, oh yeah, gay guys, I'd wager.


(Oh yeah, again, if ya feel like it: Vote. At least vote for somebody.)

It's funny, I was thinking of ending the last post with something like:

"...and now I think I can put these HNT/self-image posts to rest for now. I think I've said whatever's worth saying about me and then some. While it's still something *I'm* getting used to, I figure it's getting old for others. So this will be it for a while."

I didn't add that, mainly cause I had written too much already.


I thought the second half of the post had validity relevant to the discussion to which I initially linked. But I was incorrect, as it was overshadowed by the first half - which was meant more as a preamble as well as an HNT-type post.

I need to remember to capture the moment early in a post, otherwise the point is lost to everyone by the time you actually make it.

I clearly should have added it that final statement, since it has rubbed some people the wrong way. I apologize for the overbearing nature I am exhibiting.

So consider this post to mark the end of that.

There was an interesting post at Gay Canuck in the Capitol's, regarding self-image and doubt, even when it would seem from the outside that all is quite well.

I left a somewhat long comment...
It was actually an abridged comment.
Some of you might still remember how my comments could get almost post-length, yes?

Anyway, here's a version of the unabridged thought - then expanded.


Now I want to remember

I was looking at what photos I had from my childhood, especially before I was 13, when I was an overweight and un-liked kid.

I quickly realized - no surprise - I have none at all. None.

My first documented existence in my possession is me, about 20 years ago in a high school yearbook photo - where, incidentally, I look like a dork (though, who doesn't).

Then a fast-forward to about 12 years ago with me in my one time in Europe (Sicily) during the one and only significant vacation my ex ever took (with me, that is).

Then another jump to seven years ago at my doctoral graduation.

And then a smattering of pics from the dawn of my ex having a digital camera.

This one, as I've mentioned before, has always fed my continuing self-doubt. I was acutely aware that, while there would often be many many pictures taken at parties, etc, there were rarely, if ever, ones with me in them. Even if I was in the group in a pic, the picture-taker (my ex for example) would take pains to make sure I was just off the edge of the view finder. This, combined with many other issues, convinced me that something was horribly wrong with me and people wanted to avoid me.

OK but that's not the point here.

The point I was actually making was I have no record - no proof - of my past image, the source of the self-doubt that has played a large part in my life.

And I realize I have to get back to my mom and step-mother... and actually retrieve pictures that they DO have of me. Ones of which I actively declined, when asked, to take copies home. I didn't want them. I didn't want the reminder.

Well, now I do want them. I want to remember and look at how I've changed. Physically, yes. But mentally (emotionally), as well.

Because I really DO feel a bit better about myself these days. And (in my mind) there has been a lot of changes - in the past decade, the past year, and even the past few months.

So that when I look at this fun picture (courtesy of Dan, in the middle, with Adam, on the right - the hat courtesy of Darin, I believe?), I'm not as upset when I think, "I look goofy", "I look scrawney", followed by, "why the fuck does my chest not show up, ever, no matter what I do?"



I know it sounds (a) stupid and (b) vain. And while I agree with (a), I still believe (b) vanity is like saying "I am gorgeous and I want to look even more gorgeous-er!" while what I have is more like "Whenever you show me a picture of myself, I will only find the thing that is horribly wrong. The rest of me will be invisible." Thankfully, I only do that to myself. I would have been massacred if I ever treated others this way.



Feeling better does not mean I'm an asshole

Now, at the same time, I am very aware that, while I still have self-image worries (though hugely reduced these days), others are looking at me thinking: “Oh, DO come off it!”

And I can see both sides of that very clearly.

I mean, while I continually find me putting myself down, I know that I am making real improvements, and I'm not unhappy about it.



But then I get shocked into realizing others don't see me as the self-critical curled-up-in-the-fetal-position scared little boy the way I view myself.

I was visiting friends elsewhere and one of them – who was rather drunk, so words flowed freely – said something like, “now that you’re ‘thinner’, you’re one of the cool kids – you’re not one of us ‘regular people’ any more. Why would you want to hang out with us losers?”

My initial thought was: “?!?”
Then: “Losers?” or was it “fatties” or something similarly self-derogatory.
Then: “What are you talking about?!? I didn’t change WHO I AM. I like you guys. Where the hell is this coming from?”
Finally: “Oh my god, it’s like all those High School nightmares… fitting in vs rejection and scorn”

I didn’t say any of that because rational conversation was not possible at that inebriation level. I mainly said, “stop that!” while rocking him back and forth.

But it shocked me. Here I was thinking that my working on myself would make me more “attractive” to guys, and now I’m alienating friends instead.

And all I could think is: ‘Good Looks’ – that is, the type of guy that makes ME all hot and bothered – will attract me to a guy, sexually, for the first pass.

But only personality will really keep me there.

I do not want to hang out with “cool kids” if they’re assholes – I don’t care how gorgeous they are.

It’s generally really simple, at least with me.

There's people to whom I'm sexually attracted in some way, and there's people that I like and would hang out with.

If you’re the type of guy I like sexually:
- and you’re a likable person, then I’ll probably like you.
- and you’re kind of an ass, then, I might avoid you.
- and you’re a REAL ass, then I’ll avoid you from the start and, oh yeah, you’ll never see my dick - ever ever ever ever.

Same is true if you’re not the type of guy I want to sleep with (and that could mean you’re a young twinkie-boy who’s perfectly handsome, by the way).

I suppose I could represent this graphically:


So basically, barring my personal sexual preferences, if you're an ok person, then it's all good. If you’re as ass, then I’m out. But it’s because you’re an ass, not because I am or am not interested in sex with you.

Coincidentally, there's a post at Best Gay Blogs that has relevance to the issue - this time in reference to race/ethnicity as opposed to general "looks".

Though there are differences in the general thrust of the post, one thread was the same, IMO:

Sexual attractions aside, the ideal is to like people because they are likable people - to feel people are "worthy" of your friendship because they have moral worth.

How you look should NOT a factor in determining your value in life. Looks are far too fleeting for that.

Looks are not - are never - enough.

Yes, they help at times. And I'm happy if I've made any improvements there.

But these will not last forever.

And that only proves that the visible self is the least important in the long run.

It IS important in this world. And we DO make some of our emotional connections because of it. But it is NOT the definition of human worth.

Not by a damn long shot.

Normally I am very icky about voting for "Best gay (whatever) Blog".

Generally because:

(1) with 10 zillion blogs in the world, and about 200+ personal gay blogs to which I actually subscribe, I find it hard to say "this one, above all others, is the best". Blogs are not baseball games (where, no, everyone is NOT a winner). There is no set criteria for these things. Except maybe a gay porn blog. I mean, I know good porn when I see it.

and

(2) Perez Hilton always, inevitably, and inexplicably, wins.


However, I was touched to be tagged as a nominee for a "Best Personal Blog" award. Clearly, this is aimed at blogs that are just their own thing - not gay gossip, gay porn, etc. Just a blog about the writer's own self.

This one at least is the closest to what I do. That's it - it's just my life's crap. No shtick, nothing. Not even funny. Just me.

So I do appreciate it - even though, again, saying one person is the best in this type of thing is weird to me. Many of the others blogs tagged, I already know and love.

But it's also nothing new in the world. And I usually click a vote on these little surveys anyway, so I must not have a big problem with it.

Anyways, I would venture to say that I don't see this (getting nominated for anything) happening again soon.

So, go vote if you'd like.

(BTW, I can say I honestly did not, and will not, vote for myself)

---

Original Post from the group blog, Gay Men Rule:

The_Gay_Dude was mostly a personal blogger. A damned good one; in my opinion. In his honor, I’m starting this award. Incidentally, I’ve made about 20 ‘Gay Men Rule‘ banners (I know, I’m a geek!) over the past year. The winner can choose the one, posted here; or one of the others (with “The_Gay_Dude Award, Best Personal Blog” on it). Since this is a new idea, I thought it would be easier to select the nominees. I chose people who were either: Writers on The_Gay_Dude’s blogroll. Personal bloggers, I know. So this round, I’ll admit, is selfish & subjective. In the future, readers will cast the nominations. So it’s possible that people (currently on this list) could be nominated again (if they haven’t already won). This is all in good fun; and in the spirit of The_Gay_Dude. So don’t get too competitive :) Let me stop rambling, and show who’s nominated this go-around: Daniel, The Guy in the Desert DanNation Hush and Listen Joey Destino Rambling Along in Life…with a Stern Point of View Ready, Reset, Go Spirit of Saint Lewis The Evolution of Jeremiah The Writing is on the Wall Too Disgusting to Contemplate, Too Compelling to Ignore ———-> VOTE (Anonymous, and will allow one vote per IP). By the way, this will be a quarterly thing. Winner will be announced on July 31st. GOOD LUCK! One more thing: If I were one of the nominees; I’d do a ‘write-up’ on my own blog (letting people know). **** My apologies to “Spirit of Saint Lewis” for spelling his blog, incorrectly (on the poll). People had already started voting, before I was able to make the correction (on a new survey). **** Lastly, awards will, automatically, be going to this guy & this guy. They would’ve been on this list (for voting); if things hadn’t gotten crazy in their lives (blog breaks, closing down blogs, etc.).

I realize one city from which I have very few blogger friends is Chicago. It's not like they're not there. I think there's lots. There's a few I've commented on or chatted with briefly but, interestingly, not more than that.

It really just goes to show that, with 10 gazillion blogs in the world, and let's say 2 gazillion just in the US, there's no way anyone - who has a job - has enough time to keep on top of them all.

Well, at least *I* don't.

I mean, thank god for Google Reader for helping me organize and view lots of blogs.

But the downside of this is I'm often prone to simply reading the whole post from the Reader and then not commenting. And that pretty much assures I will never actually make blog contact with the blog writer.

(Blog contact... Blontact? Blogtact? Clogtact? Blink? Blonection? Jebus... "blog" really sucks as a word.)

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is I now find myself with the opportunity to extend a planned week stay in Chicago by a day or two into the weekend before - or after - the last week in August.

My Chicago experienceis limited to one night in 1991, when I interviewed for grad school at Northwestern, and two nights by myself a a few years back because I got a crazy excellent Priceline hotel/air package. Basically, I know very little about Chicago, except it's totally a "major city" - I mean a direct competitor to the urban life I grew up with in Manhattan.

So: Anybody from there (now or in the past) who has some pointers, advice, etc? Gay pointers?

Any advice would be terrificly appreciated!

First, just in passing, I wanted to express that I now know how fun it is to deeply kiss a guy with beautiful full lips. Yummmm!
...

Both Anthony and Will are both leaving Boston very soon. Anthony for funky Midwest town and Will for New Hampshire. So I thought I'd like to have dinner with the before they head off.

But for some reason, at the last minute, I got it into me that I should have them over to the house in which I live and have drinks and a BBQ in the backyard.

I rarely, if ever, grill anything. I know how to cook chicken and burgers and stuff, but usually with simple (or no) prep. Just slap it on and make sure it's cooked dead. However, I decided to go whole hog and make alot (especially if that gives me leftovers for lunches, etc.).

So I spent time marinating chickens overnight, preping burgers and veggies and making potato salads and Bloody Mary Mix, and this that and the other thing. It was kinda fun - something I rarely do for others. It was just a small group - Will, Anthony, Steve from Chaos, and myself - which made it not too overwhelming. Sort of like cooking training wheels.

Steve came with his crazy 12 week old puppy (Jack Russell Terrier), who had almost as much hyper-energy as Steve himself.

See this?


Having multiple feet off the floor was pretty much the norm for this pup. Rarely did he ever sit still. Ever. Cute, but crazy. Hmmm....


I spent a bit of time buzzing up and down stairs to get from kitchen to grill, etc, refusing any help, for some odd reason. And then I relaxed once the hard part was done.

And while it was not supposed to rain at all, a small downpour began in the middle of our meal. Fortunately the backyard has a nice wooden overhang to which we simply dragged the table, allowing us to be safe and dry while the gentle patter of steady rain was all around us.

Anyway, we had a real nice time over dinner and drinks, actually chatting for like 5 or six hours into the late evening. As common with all these guys, our conversations were all over the place: politics, sex, stresses of moving, drinking, blogs (call that a meta-conversation), guys who are stalkers, guys who are clingy, guys who are clingy stalkers, and so on...

It was good to have at least one last time to hang out with Will and Anthony, and it'll be sad to see them move on. But both of them are going to new and bigger things in life, and that's something for which to be happy.
...


One interesting moment was when, one-by-one, the guys all claimed that our bathroom scale must - simply must - be like 5 pounds too heavy. That seemed odd to me and I begged to differ. I think I would have noticed, with great distress (as you can imagine with me), a sudden 5lb gain.

So, this morning, I used what, in science, is called a "reference" : A thing of pre-defined and accepted properties which can be used to calibrate or test the accuracy of a measuring device.

And so there is this:

Note the reference weight (25lb):

And the measurement (25lb):


I made no adjustments to it, so presumably the scale was in the same condition as last night.

So...


Now, there is a formal possibility that there is a progressive error that has crept into the scale. Meaning, at a low weight, the error is not very noticeable, but the scale could make a bigger and bigger error as more weight is added.

So tonight, I think I can scrape together about 120lbs in weight standards and see how the scale fares then.

Of course the point of all this was really to give some sass back to Steve.

:P

...

Oh yeah, completely as a non-sequitur, I just found these pictures I took of the Arnold Arboretum, just a few blocks away here in Jamaica Plain. I just thought I'd share. If you're ever in Boston in nice weather, it's a beautiful (and large) place to wander through.

(And, no, I don't know of any cruisy spots there. Frankly, that's fine with me... most of the time.)

Hope you all had a fun 4th of July (or July 1 Canada Day)!
...

I was surprised to belatedly learn that Joshua tagged this blog as a "Thinking" blog. (the post was written while I was at the very pickled Pride weekend, so it took time to read backwards to see it.)

It is a dangerous thing for a blog to become self-aware, I thought to myself. Then I realized he was referring to what I write about.





(Click on the icon to see the original post where this was thought-up)

Rules are that I post a link to the original concept and I get to tag 5 other blogs (that's honestly not enough for me) that I feel are "thinking blogger" blogs. Therefore, the following must do the same...

1. GayProf at Center of Gravitas. Some of the best thought-out posts - on culture, politics, science fiction, and Wonder Woman - that I've seen. Always filled with good humor, even when he's pissed. Definitely did not spend enough time with him while he was in Boston. :(

2. Will at DesignerBlog. As an addition to his astute and blunt political/cultural observations, he's probably the blogger with the most Boston-area lore that I've ever seen. Basically, just ask him about anything to do with New England - and Opera, too, and you will get an complete and satisfying answer. This is also something he's been teased about by certain other bloggers.

3. Because they are similar in how they make me think, I group Geekslut and Chaos together. If I took everything they said to heart, I would be able to believe (1) you - and I - are capable of anything if you just go and do it, and (2) you - and I - should be fucking more than we do.

4. Adam at This Boy Elroy. From the start, always direct and to the point about politics and culture, or at times, things more silly. Bastard also got his Wii months ago. Still can't find any for sale here.

5. The Tempest. They tackle things across the board, most of which pertain to our culture - politics, science, religion, etc. Always up on current events.

And I'm telling you, there's a lot more. Some have gotten tagged with this already, but others have not and should. That's why I kinda hate the "name 5 favorite/interesting/sexy/etc" memes... with things like 10 zillion blogs, that's too limiting for me.
---

Anyway, back to me...

A good question to ask about "Thinking Bloggers", of course, is: What is meant by "thinking"?

Sadly, I don't see this as a blog where I pose interesting arguments for all to ponder or argue over. Nor do I offer creative and well-devised solutions to anything in the world.

On the other hand, I have been told I "think too much" here - meaning, overthink issues. On this score, then, I can agree that a lot of "thinking" goes on here.

As I've said repeatedly, that's what I am trying to do here - think about things:

1) that I normally shove off to the side and ignore
OR
2) which keep me running in circles until I write them down and make sense of them
OR
3) about which I am, essentially, looking for advice from the audience

Things like drinking, sex, health, love, sadness, anger, sex, lack of sex, drinking, self-image, friends, sex, self-image, etc.

So here I'm thinking with a self-image bent.
And looking for advice...
And it's in line with a Half-Nekkid Thursday type post.

Ok, many of you are (rightly) going to roll your eyes - hard.

Others are going to tsk-tsk me for being vain or some other self-loving equivalent while feeling I have no justifiable reason to think anything good about myself.

And some are going to be zinging me for being a pudge.

Here's the deal... As I've noted before, I've had self-image issues since childhood (starting with being very overweight and then morphing into other types of image problems).

And more recently, I've been improving myself physically a little bit.

So, every so often, to give my self an honest assessment, I take a picture - no flexing of whatever muscles I have, no holding in the gut. An intentionally chosen non-flattering image.

It's ok.



I'm verging on 20 lbs lost since January... including muscle-gain... though that's not visible at all here :(

I could focus on the fact that I can't see the results of any of the weight-based workouts I've been doing, even though I was intentionally relaxing here.

But instead, I immediately focus on...


Fuck, why can't I not be gay and, therefore, not even think this is a problem?

See, it's what GayCanuck - the lovable body-fascist that he is :P - calls a "muffintop", I believe.

And then I look at Steven over at Human Nature today - who's been through similar transformations, it seems, and think "how'd he do THAT?"

I know these are new pants... a couple inches smaller than those from last year.
And they don't even feel remotely tight, I think.
And yet they sure look it.

See, and yet if I turn this way (still no flexing or gut-sucking), it's a bit better... still not much muscle-tone, though.


So should I only face forward at all times?

And also, so I hear myself subtly implying that I'm both too skinny and too fat?

I know I've heard talk like this somewhere before.

OMG, am I really THAT bad?


So, anyways... WTF?


BUT - at the same time, just so y'all know - I'm not really worked up about it. It's just something I see myself focus on and I wonder (1) why? and (2) how best to deal with it, if at all?

Like I said, these are things I normally tuck into the back of my brain and don't tackle. So I'm voicing it here.

I'm curious if I just need to shed a few more lbs to feel it's all good or what? Or do I just need to really take some prozac and get over the little things.
.
.
.
Right... Too much thinking.

---

UPDATE: OK, based on the comments, clearly what I need is more prozac or a Martini. Or, as I'm sure someone will tell me, I need to get laid. Actually, I looked up the Wikipedia definition of muffintop. So now I realize I really should just shut the fuck up.

Sometimes one drink too many is many drinks too many.

What I mean is, sometimes I'm doing just fine, but then I have that "one drink too many". It's around this time, the sober core of my brain starts telling me: "Ok, now you're just drunk. Maybe you should leave."

And, for instance, on Saturday at a fun housewarming party, I took that very advice.

I thought too myself, "I'm doing rather well. I'm leaving before I get reeeeallly pickled. And I'll even get to sleep early so I'll be up and ready to meet up with some friends on Sunday morning."

So, if I was so diligent in taking my leave before too much vodka had penetrated, why did I wake up at 6am realizing, with crystal clarity, that, yes indeed I had more than a few too many? (While I was not in any way sick, I felt like crap.)

And why does my phone tell me I tried to dial my old house's phone number (and, even then, I mis-dialed it)?

Actually, there's three or four numbers I dialed and I could not figure out why.

Slowly, I remember it involving the need to get a cab in a city where the thing taxi companies least like to do is actually pick up passengers.

OK, so now I remembered. But still... I begin to think that my "too much to drink early warning system" is not very reliable.

I was somewhat better on Sunday, as me and some of my old roomies and friends went to lie out and absorb what sun was to be had at the RCC. This is basically a full gay bar with an additional dining area and, most importantly, an outdoor pool and accompanying pool bar.

Yes, margaritas while sunning by the pool with a bunch of other gay guys.

I really should do this every day.

This was all really fine.

Then we went back to a house that was relatively local so we could all have some dinner and play cards.

And that was fun, too. I hadn't played cards with these guys in a long time and I was enjoying the comradery.

Though once again, I had one drink too many.

Now, I remember everything about the night, including the drive back to Boston... but come to wake up this morning and I feel the same shade of ugh as the day before.


Hmmm... and yet last week in SF, I was waking up every morning bright and early, drinking my coffee and putzing around the house. And I know I was downing a lot more in SF than this weekend.

Go figure...


Maybe I just need recalibration or something...


OK, anyway... question. Topic came up about a place I never thought to go, but it's supposedly very gay friendly and relatively safe. Puerto Vallarta. All I ever knew about it is that the Love Boat went there a lot. But, apparently it's a pretty hopping destination.

Anyone have any knowledge/experience with that locale? Cause I have to say I was definitely intrigued.