Ready, Reset, Go! (2006-2008)

(Note: This isn't an anti-Valentine's post. This isn't a pro-Valentine's post. This has nothing to do with Valentine's Day. I suppose it has something to do with Singles' Awareness Day, though. But not really. "Happy SAD!" anyways.)


I consider searching for love to mean looking for (or hoping to discover) a guy with whom I really wanted to be together as a real couple.

In general, I can say I'm not looking for that at this time.

Not really.

Not intentionally.

But if it happened - meaning, you know, the real deal, the one that I want, who lights up my life, makes me feel brand new, who's got the love I need, who'll always be true, so pleee-ee-ee-eeeeease! love me do whoa oh love me do - then I think there are a number of main hurdles that need to be passed over:

1) Meeting someone interested in me
2) Being interested in that person
3) Developing a mutual deeper bond: lust, love, discovery, friendship, and so on.
4) Me being able to deal with all his quirks, odd behaviors, bad habits, etc. etc.
5) Him being able to do the same with me.
---

1) Meeting someone interested in me
I used to think this was the ultimate hurdle for me. That's all. Who could possibly find me attractive, interesting, stimulating, blah blah blah...?

Having nothing and no one in my life to prove otherwise for me, I lived with that basic assumption of truth until only the past year or two.

Now, thank God, I am no longer nearly so negative about myself in the potential attraction department. It's nothing miraculous, but it is a marked improvement. Some of that is even documented here in these very posts.


2) Being interested in that person
This is a vague one for me. I mean, bottom line is either I'm interested - like totally on-board, whole-hog, balls-out into him in many, many ways - or I'm not.

However, the reasons for this feeling (yes or no) are varied, numerous, and can differ utterly from one person to the next. It's kinda like a definition of pornography: I don't have a hard and fast rule, but I know it when I see it.

This is a problem, as it limits me and probably stops me from exploring relationships with guys who might, in fact, work well in many ways.

3) Developing a mutual deeper bond: lust, love, discovery, friendship, and so on.
I keep thinking that this is the one that COULD be both the easiest and most rewarding hurdle. Once I'm into him, I really want to know him and be known by him.

However, even here, some of the concerns from all the other hurdles may affect how well this goes. Even with John (my ex, partner for 10 years), ghosts of concerns of "would I still be loved?" or "Will he think less of me for some thing?" clouded my behavior and sabotaged what could have been a much deeper relationship. I imagine something similar was true for him.

4) Me being able to deal with all his quirks, odd behaviors, bad habits, etc. etc.
There are two classes of these things: ones that push all the wrong buttons and ones that I don't really care about one way or the other. This may retroactively affect hurdle #2.

5) Him being able to do the same with me.
Here my mind becomes convinced that here is no way that any guy I might feel so into will be able to deal with all my crap:
All my quirks
All my problems
All my issues
Minor and major
Some things which I can change - in fact would be happy to change given a good excuse as a kick in the butt.
Others which I can't, and may be deal-breakers.

And I go around thinking, "No one else has any such problems. Only me. So who'd want to deal with me?"

Here is where I now see one of my newest biggest fears.
I think this is something which now stops me in my tracks.

And by stops me, I mean, there are times where THIS is the reason I won't pursue anything, the reason I may not keep up with calling, basically will stop any relationship from even starting.

In some cases, this will no doubt seem like a one night stand. And it is, by definition. Though not for the usual reasons. And also not with the usual behavior of one-night-standers. I'll want to keep hanging out, being friendly, maybe even be friends. There just won't be any more sex and, thus, will most likely not be a partnership down the line.

And now I even extend it. Instead of allowing a hook-up, mediated by booze, to happen at all, I simply assume I'm not going to pursue anything at all... I guess because it's all gonna collapse in the end - once again, because of me.
---

And so, in the end my hang ups are still often about a lack of confidence in myself, since my quirks are far worse than anyone else's. Yes, the focus has changed somewhat: It's not worries about first impressions so much any more, but whether someone would STAY interested in me.

Things change, things stay the same.

I have a lot to work on, I guess.


As a side note: This has no effect on me having sex with someone I'm into who just wants to have no-strings no-hangups sex. That's a no-brainer, even for me. Just FYI.