Ready, Reset, Go! (2006-2008)

Is it possible to describe how bad a mood I'm in.

I mean a phenomenally bad mood.

I'm angry, upset, getting scared and aimless... and I find, even here, I can't explain it.


Oh, I know what you're all saying: what the fuck else is new.


But Jebus Frakking Cripes, this is the whole point. I really really do NOT like feeling this way. Physically OR emotionally.


I have always been surprised how many people who've read this blog - especially if they haven't met me (or even if they have?) - assume I'm a near-suicidal sad-sack.

And yet, I realize it makes sense - I often use this place as one to vent my fears and anxieties.

But, I often say to myself, oh if they meet me, they'll see I can laugh and play and so on and I'm not Mr. "wah-waaaahhhh" in person.


But... at times like this... I realize that it's when I'm truly alone that it really comes out.

Sure, when things are good - when I feel good physically, mentally, etc - I'm all great.

But when things go off the rails, and they do so often with me, I'm not great.

The reason people who meet me probably (I hope) don't think I'm insane is because it is only the times I'm doing ok that I allow myself out in public, allow myself to be with people.

Strangely, though, it's the other times, when I'm really low, that I really want - and probably need - companionship.




I got used to being alone when I was at my worst. Even with my ex, I would curl up in my bedroom and no one, partner or roommate, would wonder where I was or how I was.



And - when I was much younger, I'm not so pathetic now (read sarcasm there) - I cried and cried and cried.

Because at the one time when I really, really, very much really needed someone - especially someone I loved - there was no one there. Even when they were there... just downstairs... making fun of me.



Sigh... so, now I still do this.

When I'm not on top of the world, I assume I have to hide in a cave, because no one wants to deal with a problem person.

Because all gay gays are permanently happy and worry-free.


Well, that's the way others acted, ex included, so I assumed it was true. Well, I didn't *really*. and yet that's how everyone acted, so it was as good as true.


And the mistake was, I used this place, this blog, as an outlet.

But, in some eyes, it only proved the point - whiner, moper, loser.


But, you know fuck it, where the fuck else am I gonna vent some steam.