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Sunday, September 21, 2008 | Labels: personal |For the post
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I know, I know.
Talk about being disengaged with everyone, huh?
Pretty sad, I know. What a waste.
I've just descended into nothingness.
I know.
I'm basically lost.
I don't know what to say any more.
I'm in a bad way.
Kinda. Sorta.
But I don't know why.
Not precisely, anyway.
Yeah...
I know.
I need happy pills.
Or stability.
One or the other.
I'd rather have stability.
I'm hurting.
Not to sound whiny... but...
Well, but there it is.
Whiny - annoying - insufferable - whatever you want to call me.
But it's the truth.
I keep wondering who will be there, who will be the guy that will give me the excuse to finally grab my life by the reins and run with it.
I really would like that guy around.
but until then...
or maybe instead of then...
Maybe...
Just maybe...
That guy is me.
Except I don't know how to be that guy.
Guess I should just learn, right?
Yeah.
I know.
There's also the no sex thing. That doesn't help.
Maybe that's why I'm so ready to bite peoples' heads off.
Or maybe I'm just angry that I'm 40 (ish) and this is my life.
Of nothingness. Of no purpose.
Kinda a waste.
Some guy in P-town, back last month, said, "hey I've totally seen you around Boston at the bars. You're always smiling, always so happy. You make people smile when you're smiling."
And all I could think was, "Who? Me? Do I smile?"
I smile when I'm out, especially with people I know. And I kinda mean it, too.
But that also explains why I'm "out" so little these days.
If I can't smile, I don't walk out the door.
Unfortunately that's most of the time these days.
And... unlike a year or two ago, where I was all calling the waaaaambulance about being all broke up and shit... well, now I don't know- not precisely - what the problem is.
It's a lot of things.
Or maybe one grand unifying thing.
But, fuck, even physics hasn't figured out the grand unifying thing yet. No worries that I can't do it, either, right?
Dunno.
Talk about being disengaged with everyone, huh?
Pretty sad, I know. What a waste.
I've just descended into nothingness.
I know.
I'm basically lost.
I don't know what to say any more.
I'm in a bad way.
Kinda. Sorta.
But I don't know why.
Not precisely, anyway.
Yeah...
I know.
I need happy pills.
Or stability.
One or the other.
I'd rather have stability.
I'm hurting.
Not to sound whiny... but...
Well, but there it is.
Whiny - annoying - insufferable - whatever you want to call me.
But it's the truth.
I keep wondering who will be there, who will be the guy that will give me the excuse to finally grab my life by the reins and run with it.
I really would like that guy around.
but until then...
or maybe instead of then...
Maybe...
Just maybe...
That guy is me.
Except I don't know how to be that guy.
Guess I should just learn, right?
Yeah.
I know.
There's also the no sex thing. That doesn't help.
Maybe that's why I'm so ready to bite peoples' heads off.
Or maybe I'm just angry that I'm 40 (ish) and this is my life.
Of nothingness. Of no purpose.
Kinda a waste.
Some guy in P-town, back last month, said, "hey I've totally seen you around Boston at the bars. You're always smiling, always so happy. You make people smile when you're smiling."
And all I could think was, "Who? Me? Do I smile?"
I smile when I'm out, especially with people I know. And I kinda mean it, too.
But that also explains why I'm "out" so little these days.
If I can't smile, I don't walk out the door.
Unfortunately that's most of the time these days.
And... unlike a year or two ago, where I was all calling the waaaaambulance about being all broke up and shit... well, now I don't know- not precisely - what the problem is.
It's a lot of things.
Or maybe one grand unifying thing.
But, fuck, even physics hasn't figured out the grand unifying thing yet. No worries that I can't do it, either, right?
Dunno.
For the post
above this line:
Decended into Nothingness??? That sounds pretty damned serious for a smiling, happy fellow (per the P-Town guy's assessment). Maybe phone sex? Would that help?
Wow. Slide to downs-ville. I can write that as I completely understand. But your life has plenty of meaning; you must know that. If I may be so bold: I'm thinking we've both had our sense of self defined (misaligned?) by our former partners. I'm just now coming to understand who I am minus the 'we' of 26+ years. I know you know that struggle and that's why I note it here.
You're smart, witty, good-looking and compassionate. Look inside to find what the rest of us see.
Sorry for the book. :)
I can just dropkick you sometimes. This "no sex" thing is total baloney! Men throw themselves on you. I don't believe for ONE SECOND that you are not having sex.
Look at your life as a house. If things are not going your way, then perhaps you should clean your "house". No one is going to clean it for you.
And perhaps you should consider doing away with old habits that keep your house messy. Throw them out and adopt new and healthier ones.
Don't make me come up there with a white glove. I will!
Atari, Atari, Atari - what am I going to do with you? Hello - I'm a scooter ride away - pick up the phone and I'll come over anytime you want.